I woke up tired on a cloudy, snowy day.
I woke up thinking of a duty I had to do in the near future.
Why did it seem so heavy?
I felt like much of my future depended on performing it successfully. Even though I remembered some past unpleasant experiences connected with this duty, I’d done them well.
Why was I so anxious that morning?
I said I trust in God.
I believed God would help me through it, pleasant or unpleasant. But my anxious feelings remained.
I struggled to understand.
I prayed. I asked for God’s peace. I struggled. I hoped. I petted my cat. I played the piano. I breathed deeply. I wrote my thoughts.
It was hard to let go of the anxiety.
I prayed and knew that God was with me. Yet, the feelings remained unchanged. This is life.
The sun broke through for a brief instant and hid again above the clouds.
The snow continued to fall. It didn’t seem so pretty on that dreary day. My heart was heavy.
I looked for a certain scripture that I thought would be helpful. Instead of the one for which I was searching, I came across this passage in Matthew 6:32b-34.
“Your heavenly Father knows all you need. Seek first God’s dominion over you, God’s way of holiness and all these things will be given you besides. Enough, then, of worrying about tomorrow. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Today has troubles enough of its own.”
I tried to focus on living in the present moment, an ancient Christian practice, knowing that God is present. This is easier said than done. I remembered reading a book many years ago called The Practice of the Presence of God. It was written by Brother Lawrence a few centuries ago but is still applicable today.
So I ended that day still feeling like God was absent though I knew that wasn’t true. At the same time knowing that each moment is the important one. I reminded myself to focus on the Holy One’s presence and be assured that God is always present with me even on dreary days.